Where did the last 2 months go?

Thank you Karen for sending me a gentle reminder that I desperately needed to update my blog! Yikes! 2 months since my last post?!

Where do I even begin? Well, in my last post I mentioned that I was going to go visit a doctor to address my unexplainable symptoms. Here's what's happened since then:

• Saw my primary physician - He recommended that I get a brain MRI
• Had my brain MRI and "they" the doctors found lesions on my brain
• The doctors thought my symptoms + brain lesions could be suspectible of Multiple Sclerosis
• So they sent me on my way to see a neurologist - I wasn't overly impressed with him.
• So I went and saw an MS specialist north a good two hours - excellent doctor!
• He ordered for me to have a spinal MRI to see if there were lesions there, and about 15 labs (bloodwork) to eliminate other problems like thryoid etc.
• Had my spinal MRI and bloodwork done and everything came back negative, as in they found nothing
• So for now they're saying it's not MS - I'm content with that, and willing to put everything on the back burner for a while and watch it from the sidelines. I'll re-address it if my symptoms continue to progress - I'll also have another brain MRI in about a year to see where things are concerning the lesions.
• Then two days later I started having lower GI bleeding with incredible abdominal pain.
• Went back to my doctor - He ordered for me to have an abdominal and pelvic CT scan
• They test came back negative - again they found nothing
• Went and saw a GI specialist - he ordered for me to DETOX - ate a lot of lean lean food for the week and drank two bottles of magensium citrate to flush my system out. I feel AMAZING! And all of my GI symptoms are gone.

It has been and was a very challenging semester for me - but you know what's beautiful about all of this, I look back on it and THANK GOD for it! He used this trial for my good - He used it for His glory, and he also used it to benefit me and others in the Christian realm.

Nursing school is going incredibly well - I'm excited by it every day and fall more in love with it even as things progressively get harder. On Friday I had my first OR (operating room) day. I got to observe a triple bypass (open heart surgery), a craneotomy (brain surgery where they removed a tumor from the frontal lobe) and a colon (large intestine) resection. To say the least, it was absolutely thrilling! I've always thought that i'd eventually go into LND (Labor and Delivery) but now I'm thinking I just might gravitate towards the OR. Only time will tell!

I'm going to be an aunt again in less than 2 months - Amy is due on New Years!

Nate comes out in 5 weeks! Who's nate you ask? Feel free to ask me and I'm more than willing to share!

Leaving tomorrow morning for Ohio! It's a long-standing tradition (literally since I was a little girl) - we spend Thanksgiving with mom's side of the family every year - it's our favorite holiday, yes even over Christmas!

Well - I need to get packing for tomorrow - hopefully it won't be another 2 months before I write again!

Time For An Update

Sorry friends, for not updating my blog in a while. Nursing school has got the best of me, and it doesn't allow for anything beyond class, clinicals, studying and maybe sleep once in a while. =D

But alas I just finished my IM (intramuscular) injection return demonstration in the skills lab, and I have 20 minutes before lecture starts.

SO what's new.

It has been a FULL semester so far, much harder than last semester - but come on going from a nursing home to a hospital, only asks for it. I LOVE IT THOUGH. The Lord has been teaching me to literally take it one step at a time, last semester I got so caught up in "how will I get through all of this" aka "how will I make it out alive", and God, in His kindness, has helped me to focus on TODAY, even dividing that down to "get through lecture" "get through clinicals" "get through studying" and so on. God has given me much grace and through that i've been able to achieve much and find success. Thank you Lord!

I'm also learning to ENDURE with JOY. I wasn't sure for a while what that would look like. I mean, how can I have joy when most nights I'm only getting a couple hours of sleep, or sometimes pulling all-nighters just to get my work done, and then have to wake up at 4:30 for clinicals, and repeat the same all over again. Some mornings my stomach feels raw and my body shakes, I can only imagine from lack of sleep, but the question is, HOW do I endure with joy? Here's how, I wake up, and I preach truth to myself. I thank God first and foremost for giving me the opportunity to be in nursing school. Then I look back and see God's past Grace that he has given me for moments just like this. Then I pray and anticipate that God will hear me and answer. And he does, he always does. Within moments, my symptoms are gone, I feel strengthened and ready for the tasks ahead of me.

Pray requests:
* I'm currently having some new health issues. The left side of my body (arm and leg) have been randomly falling asleep (loss of sensation), i'm dizzy frequently, my hearing has been bad (lots of high pitched ringing) and my eyesight has also been bad (loss of peripheral vision at times, very fuzzy, sometimes I see black spots). And my headaches have been bad even while taking amytriptaline (prescribed migraine medicine). I went in yesterday to see my doctor, he ran a few blood tests, and I'm having an MRI on Monday 9/29 at 4:45 pm. If the blood tests and MRI come back negative, i'll have to visit a neurologist.

Off to lecture, it's time for fluids and electrolytes!
Thanks for all of your prayers and support, I'm blessed to know each and everyone of you

A Glance at Fall 2008

8/25/08 - I started my classes & clinicals back up - first week was AMAZING. God has been so kind to me and has made the transition very easy in a fast paced and stressful situation. I love my profs and I can't wait to get my hands dirty. I start clinicals next thursday at the hospital (med/surg floor)

8/30/08 - Grace turned 12!

9/9/08 - Mom turns 50! GO MOM!

9/9/08 - 9/18/08 - Amy, Dan and Jack come out for a visit

9/12/08 - Jack (our nephew) turns 1!

10/17/08 - FINALS and fall break!

God has given me GRACE

Today has been so refreshing to me. I went to church anticipating that the Lord would meet with me during the time of worship and message, and meet me He did. How encouraging is it to know that the Lord is ready to aid us - but do we have faith to ask and anticipate that He will?

The title of today's message was "The Last Day & Perservering Faith Today"

Passage: Hebrews 10: 26-39

Main Point: The passage is here to show us that the last day calls for us to have ongoing perserverence today.

Why? Because we have a better possession in Christ (heaven one day). This alone is worth far more than anything this world has to offer us.

So, how does this pertain to me? Well, within the last year, I would say I have endured a few trials.
* My knee surgery (waiting a year for workman's comp to approve the surgery)
* Waiting to get into nursing school
* Jack (my nephews) diagnosis of a heart defect (Mitral Valve Stenosis) & surgery
* My on-going health issues this summer
* Emily's Diabetes I (juvenile) diagnosis last Sunday

But have I endured these trials with JOY? not always. but I CAN and I SHOULD endure each and every trial with joy, faith and trust in my almighty Savior.

What do I need to start doing? View my trials in light of eternity!
This passage in Hebrews should encourage me to keep trusting in Jesus Christ and motivate me to keep from drifting!

I am encouraged. The Lord has given me such grace today, how my heart wants to sing for joy!

I lift my eyes up ...

Last sunday (8/17) I was in Ohio at King's Island with a few friends of mine. I had made the trip out to Ohio on Friday to visit them before summer came to an end. After the fun-filled day at the amusement park we headed to the car and I called my mom to see how everyone was doing. She picked up the phone and I could hear in her voice that something was incredibly wrong. She told me that Emily was in the ICU (intensive care unit) and that she had Diabetes I (juvenile).

Earlier that week mom had noticed some unusual things in Emily (excessive thirst and weight loss) and suspected something was wrong. So, earlier that morning at church she had a friend (who is also diabetic) bring his glucose meter (which checks your blood sugar levels) to test emily's blood sugar levels to see if diabetes was a possibility. So away they checked and quickly found out that Emily was in serious trouble. A good blood sugar level should be somewhere around 100, she was at 510. They immediately rushed her to the ER and the doctors quickly sent her to the ICU. I'm so thankful that the Lord gave my mom these hunches, because in most cases you find out that someone has juvenile diabetes when they go into a coma first. God spared Emily and i'm so grateful.

Emily spent Sunday and Monday in the ICU and is now home learning how to cope and adapt.

For those of you that don't know, juvenile diabetes is the most rare and the most serious of cases compared to diabetes II, monogenic diabetes and gestational diabetes. And it's also irreversible unlike diabetes II

Type 1 diabetes occurs when the body's immune system attacks and destroys certain cells in the pancreas, an organ about the size of a hand that is located behind the lower part of the stomach. These cells -- called beta cells -- are contained, along with other types of cells, within small islands of endocrine cells called the pancreatic islets. Beta cells normally produce insulin, a hormone that helps the body move the glucose contained in food into cells throughout the body, which use it for energy. But when the beta cells are destroyed, no insulin can be produced, and the glucose stays in the blood instead, where it can cause serious damage to all the organ systems of the body. For this reason, people with type 1 diabetes must take insulin in order to stay alive. This means undergoing multiple injections daily, or having insulin delivered through an insulin pump, and testing their blood sugar by pricking their fingers for blood six or more times a day.

When I first found out that Emily was in the ICU my heart stopped, tears poured and I asked God three things. WHY diabetes Lord? WHY am I here in Ohio and not home with her? WHY are you giving me another challenge?
Even though I don't understand at times why the Lord chooses to do things, there are a few things that I do know and understand at my God.

My God is sovereignly in control. God loves Emily. My God does all things to bring himself glory. And if God wants to use this situation to bring himself glory, then glory I shall give Him.

It's been a hard week, i'm not going to lie. But in the midst of cloud that seems to hover over my head, the Lord shines through and is giving all of us faith, hope and trust. For now and for Emily's life in the future.

I finally came home on wednesday, mom picked me up at the airport. As I walked out I caught mom's eyes and started bawling. Mom said, "Stop, Emily doesn't want you to cry." So, I cried the whole ride home from midway, and composed myself before getting out of the car. I can't tell you how bitter-sweet it felt to be home, I dropped my luggage and went up to Emily's room, sat on her bed (she was asleep) and held her hand and told her how much I loved her and how much I missed her. God has blessed me with such an amazing set of parents and such lovely sisters that I adore.

The Lord is going to do great things through this challenge and I am going to wait and readily expect them. God is good.

Amitriptyline - not an antidepressant

In reference to my post earlier this afternoon, I just want to clear up any confussion that I might have made. I mentioned that I am currently taking amitriptyline for my migraines - well if any of you type that word into google you'll quickly see that it's used as an antidepressant. When my doctor first prescribed to me this medication he was quick to mention that even though it was first marketed as an antidepressant it is no longer being used for that purpose because it wasn't working for depression and was rather solving migraine/headache problems. He didn't want me worrying thinking that he had put me on antidepressants. So no i'm not on any type of antidepressants - just wanted to clear that up in case any of you were curious. :-)

At last I have some relief

Sorry it's taken me a good week to post an update. Last friday I went to see my doctor, and we both agreed not to pursue any invassive treatments, atleast not for right now. I've had an excellent week - nearly pain free. I'm currently taking Prilosec & pro-biotics every morning for my "undiscovered" GI troubles. I'll be taking it for 28 days, then off of it for a week, and if my symptoms come back, then and only then will we pursue invassive procedures. In the evenings I take another round of pro-biotics and amitriptaline for my migraines. It's a preventive medicine that I take at night, hoping to "prevent" them from ever coming. My last migraine was Saturday and I haven't even come close to one in the past four days.

Thanks to all of you, Andrea, Katie, Lauren, Hannah & Lindsay, who have been so faithful to pray for me, and to instill hope in me when I so greatly lacked it. Thank you just as much for feeding the gospel to me, and preaching truth about who God is and what He has done for me, during this trial.

Well, I look back over the last 10 weeks and i'm literally shocked that summer is almost over and that i'm starting clinicals back up in less than two weeks. AH! I got my books in the mail today, thanks to amazon, and started thumbing through them. All I have to say is YIKES, i'm in for a treat! Even though I've been told that this semester will be twice as hard as the last, somehow I feel more prepared and ready for the challenge. Through some of the hard obstacles I had to hurdle around concerning my health, I know that the Lord was strengthening my heart even though my physical body was everything but strong. And even though I was frustrated and weary during all of it, once again I look back and thank the Lord for what He did, and trust that His almighty hand was in complete control even when I felt like things were completely out of control. How sweet it is to know that my Savior has so much control over my life - and if the Lord wanted to use me and challenge me in my faith by means of making my physical body weak and sick, then all I can do is thank the Lord and pray that He was glorified in some way during the whole process.

Now that I'm on a road to recovery, i'm excited to see how the Lord is going to use me this fall in my clinicals - my greatest prayer is that I can be a light to my patients and that they will see Christ at work in my life even while i'm sticking them with needles. Anyone want to volunteer? I'm going to need lots of practice!

just an update ...

At my last doctor's appointment (July 28th) my doctor ran a bunch of tests on me to see if my liver & kidney & thyroid function were up to par, and then if I was having issues with blood-sugar. I also had other samples sent into the lab to see if I had bacteria/infection in my small/larger intestine (h-pylori) etc. All of the tests came back negative as of yesterday. So, since "IT" (whatever I have) was not related to any of the tests that were done, I have another doctor's appointment this Friday at 4:10 p.m. to begin more invassive procedures - not exactly sure what that will end up looking like, could be a barium test (fun chalky drink that makes my insides glow) and maybe an endoscopy (tubular optical instrument to view my stomach with and a biopsy (removal of tissue) of my stomach to be sent into the lab for further testing). My doctor is pretty sure that I have cysts; the barium test will prove that to be true or not.

I've also recently taken wheat and dairy out of my diet, my body seems to re-act strongly against wheat and dairy products causing stronger abdominal pains so i'm doing whatever I can to reduce my symptoms.

I'll keep all of you updated! Thank again for your prayers - I really feel the Lord's presence even during this trial - He is continually give me grace and mercy for each day and strengthening my love and faith in Him.

Self-Diagnosis

I have done a bit of researching yesterday and today - trying to figure out what I might have. It's just a guess though, because I could have a number of things. So, here we go, this is my self-diagnosis, we'll see on Monday if I'm right by any means

Duodenal Ulcers:

There may be no symptoms of ulcers or the individual may experience:

*A gnawing or burning pain in the abdomen between the breastbone and the navel. The pain is usually worse a couple of hours after a meal or in the middle of the night when the stomach is empty.
*Nausea
*Vomiting
*Loss of appetite
*Loss of weight
*Tiredness (a symptom of a bleeding ulcer)
*Weakness (a symptom of a bleeding ulcer)
*Blood in vomit or stool. When blood is in the stool, it appears tarry or black (symptom of a bleeding ulcer).

I have all of these symptoms except vomitting, though most of the time I feel like I could at any moment.

ALSO, on Monday I'm going to talk to my doctor about my frequent headaches/migraines. I'm not exactly sure what makes a headache qualify as a migraine, but I'm pretty sure i've had two this week. They are bad enough that i'm nauseous and the pain not only runs throughout my entire head but also into my neck, shoulders and down my back. I've had frequent headaches (sometimes four a week) for many many years. About time I get that checked out too.

Sometimes my body just doesn't want to work

I've put this post off for a while now - I was lacking humility, humility to ask for prayer. I've always been pretty self-sufficient, self-reliant (self, self, self etc.) when it comes to being sick. I've never approached it with the thought in mind that God is in just as much control over my physical being as my spiritual being. So I've been learning that I ought to be praying and submitting these fears and weaknesses to the Lord - AND become more humble to ask others to pray for me.

Let's go back to May 20th (finals week) - I'm figuring just from the wear & tear and stress of school I got incredibly sick. Ended up taking a nice visit to the doctor's - I was tested for mono but the results came back negative. Since the doctor's weren't sure what I had, they put me on a broad-spectrum antibiotic. Three weeks after this (and not getting any better at this point) I received an infection from the antibiotic. So from the end of may to the end of june there wasn't a whole lot of progress, and around June 25th I got hit with another "something". I lost my appetite again for another week and kept waking up with sharp pains in my stomach. Could it be an ulcer? The flu? Some fun GI (gastrointestinal) problem, my spleen? So, my mom picked me up so nice pro-biotics hoping to replenish all the good bacteria in my body that was swept clean when I was on the antibiotics.

I've been taking those for about 3 weeks now and haven't seen a huge improvement. I'm still waking up in the night with sharp pains in my stomach, i'm not eating that well, nor digesting things very well. I think i've put off the doctor's visit for long enough now. I have an appointment on Monday to see Dr. River's praying that he'll have an answer this time and that there will be quick recovery and healing.
It's rough getting up in the morning, takes me a good 5-6 hours to start feeling ok, and that's after i've popped some meds. It's come to the point, now that I've been feeling sick for 2 months, that my heart is easily discouraged. I'm worried that i'll be sick for the rest of the summer and into nursing school this fall.

BUT I know that my God is kind and good to me. And that if He is using this trial just to strengthen my love for Him, grow me in my faith, and to give Himself glory, then it is well within my soul.

Here's a couple ways you can be praying:
1) That my appointment would go well on Monday - i'll be sure to update everyone once I find out what the news is

2) That my heart would not grow weary

3) That I would not fear what's going to happen in the future regarding my health

4) That I would be quick to submit my fears and worries to the Lord

Thank you ALL who read my blog and pray for me!

His Heart (Strong & Healthy)

Jack went in yesterday for his echocardiogram, and his doctor says EVERYTHING looks GREAT! And that he doesn't need to come in for another appointment for atleast a year. Praise God! All of us are just thrilled, and so thankful for how God has extended his hand of mercy, love and grace to all of us. Amy and Dan took Jack out to Mcdonald's afterwards to celebrate - Jack got a cheeseburger and of course loved it! Our little boy is growing up!

Thank you for your prayers!

John Henrik

My nephew (whom I have spoken about often in my posts) is going in on friday to have another echocardiogram (a graphical image of the heart produced by an echocardiograph). For those of you that don't know, Jack has a heart condition (aortic valve stenosis) and he went through an intense catheter surgery in February to open up one of his valves that was deformed. This echocardiogram on Friday will prove or not prove that His past surgery was successful. If it wasn't successful, Jack will be facing more surgeries in the near future and eventually open heart surgery to replace his current valve with a mechanical one.

Please pray! I'll update on Friday once we hear the news.

Lost in Awe and Wonder

God has been doing such amazing things in my life just within these past two days. I've been asking for grace for each day, laying aside my fears of the future, and placing my trust in the Lord one day at a time. He has extended His almighty hand of grace and given me more than I've asked for. The Lord has left me in such a state of awe - there is so much HOPE not only to battle and conquer sins but also to fall more in love with my Savior, leaving behind the futile worries of this world and laying at the foot of the cross.

There are two songs that I've been spending a rather large amount of time singing to my Savior during my quiet times. I hope these words are encouraging to all of you!


Oh the Deep, Deep Love

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me
Underneath me, all around me
Is the current of Your love
Leading onward, leading homeward
To Your glorious rest above

Oh the deep, deep love
All I need and trust
Is the deep, deep love of Jesus

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Spread His praise from shore to shore
How He came to pay our ransom
Through the saving cross He bore
How He watches o’er His loved ones
Those He died to make His own
How for them He’s interceding
Pleading now before the throne

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Far surpassing all the rest
It’s an ocean full of blessing
In the midst of every test
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Mighty Savior, precious Friend
You will bring us home to glory
Where Your love will never end

Lost in Wonder

You chose the cross with every breath
The perfect life, The perfect death
You chose the cross
Crown of thorns you wore for us
And crowned us with eternal life
You chose the cross
And though your soul was overwhelmed with pain
Obedient to death You overcame

CHORUS:
I'm Lost in wonder
I'm lost in love
I'm lost in praise forevermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
I am forgiven
I am restored

You loosed the chords of sinfulness
And broke the chains of my disgrace
You chose the cross
Up from the grave victorious
You rose again so glorious
You chose the cross
The sorrow that surrounded you was mine
"Yet not my will but yours be done" You cried

I'll Wait in the Love of Jesus

Though I don't like to admit it, admit it I shall. The future scares me. And while I sit here so excited to see what the Lord is going to bring about in my life, in my sin, I am quickly tempted to and often find myself mulling over and dwelling on all the "what if's" "why's" and "maybe's". Just as quickly, I find myself getting sick to my stomach, fearful that the Lord won't hear my cries and answer my prayers (for things now and in the future). The thought, "how is the Lord going to work this out?" often enters my mind.

But then He is so quick to remind me - BRENNA I'm going to give you grace for each day, take it one day at a time, leave the future alone. And it's so true, I should be asking for Grace for TODAY and not worry even about tomorrow's troubles.

And while I ask for grace for today, i'm going to wait in the love of Jesus. Waiting is hard enough, but when done without Jesus Christ and his unfathomable love, it is made even harder. I'm going to run to Jesus and wait in His arms of love.

Light in the Darkness

This morning I was reading in the Psalms, and came across a verse that struck me. It was one of those moments where it felt as if a light bulb had just been turned on in my brain and at the same moment a rush of awe, comfort and thankfulness swept over me.

Psalms 139: 11-12 says "If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and light about me be night, even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is a light with you.'"

Specifically the part where it says "for the darkness is a light with you" hit me in such an awe inspiring way. It is yet another simple yet profound truth that I have learned about my Savior. It's so encouraging and comforting to know that even when I face moments of darkness, the Lord my God is a light for me and He will see me through.

Another Chance to Trust

I've seen a theme recently in my life, or maybe a lack-there-of theme. It's all about TRUST, or my lack of TRUST.

Why do I find it SO easy to trust the Lord when things are going smoothly, but once things fall out of line in "Brenna's perfect little world", my heart immediately panics, as if God is somehow going to lead me down a path full of misfortunes and leave me there alone.

I truly believe that God has allowed for me to encounter a handful of trials recently, so that He can work in my life and change my lack of trust and at times disbelief/unbelief. Yet, I look back on each situation, and i'm SO THANKFUL for what He has done and accomplished in my life through these trials.

Saturday, I had training for my summer job. I've been a counselor for a summercamp the past three summers, and this year I had been promoted to site supervisor and coordinator. I'd been working on lesson plans, schedules, activities, crafts, field trips, (and so forth) this past semester, and was more than ready to present "my stuff". Not only did I not have an opportunity to do so, but as of right now I am no longer a site supervisor, I'm also no longer a full-time employee. Unfortunately, the too many counselors were hired, and not enough kids were signed up for camp, which results in my dilemma. Upon hearing this news, my heart immediately sank, a knot swelled up in my stomach; how was I going to make enough money this summer for college AND enough money to live off of while in school?
Instead of immediately submitting my fears and "lack-of-trust" to the Lord, my mind to began to race; panicked to find some other way to make money this summer.
And once again, my Sovereign and Amazing God stepped in, took the wheel, and worked things out in His awesome Glory.
And once again, I sit here AMAZED not only at my Savior, but also AMAZED at how easily I forget where the Lord has brought me in the past. He has always been faithful, why during such times, is that thought far from my mind?

I'm thankful that He keeps giving me more chances to trust.

Summer "to-do" List

• Read "The Reason for God" by Timothy Keller
• Get a head start on my reading for Nursing 120 (next clinical)
• Memorize the major drug groups and their components (getting ahead for my next clinical in the fall since i'll be learning how to and eventually administer drugs (medications) on my own)
• JOURNAL - everyday
• Work WORK work, and Save SAVE save that money for college
• Spend more time with my three younger sisters
• Visit Amy, Dan and baby Jack
• Memorize I John 3:1-3

I figured I'd better start off with a somewhat smaller list, and see how far I actually get. Somehow I already feel accomplished just by writting it down!

A Mighty Work in my Heart

I've gone back in forth in my head, on whether or not to write this post. But since i'm writting something now, you can gather that I've chosen to go ahead with it.
It's going to be a long post, so I pray that you hang with me and are able to read the whole thing. I write this post, not because I want pity, but because I want the Lord to be glorified through what I'm writing, and I desire for all of you to be encouraged through my circumstance.

Three weeks ago I came down with a common cold, but due to my crazy schedule with nursing school and my lack of sleep, my body was unable to fight it off quickly. So, it's lasted 2 weeks. Week number three, which happened to be finals week, I woke up Thursday morning (May 22nd) dizzy, weak in the knees and unusually exhausted. But it was clinical day, and if you skip clinicals the week of finals, you automatically get 10% knocked of your grade, so I went anyway. It was my day to drive, but I knew there was no way I could get behind a wheel. One of the girl's I carpooled with kindly offered to drive, I slept the 45 minute drive there.

Once we arrived, I knew there was absolutely no way I could work with my patient's for the day, so I explained my situation to our clinical instructor, turned in my patient's care plan and filled out my student evaluation. By God's grace, she showed me much mercy and let me take the day off and as well didn't penalize me for not participating. Since I hadn't driven up on my own I had no way of getting home, so my only resort was to lay in the back of my friend's car for the next 7 hours. I dozed in and out of sleep, was hallucinating, i'm not sure if it occured in my dreams or when I was awake. Finally by 9:00 a.m. I called my mom, she offered to come pick me up and take me over to Delnor Hospital; Geneva Family Practice. My doctor's first hunch was that I had mono. So, I had some blood work done, and then had it sent into the lab to figure out what was wrong.

My heart immediately sank, I knew at that point that the New Attitude Conference was out of the question, but I was more afraid of having mono. Mono can last for months and there's no way to cure it, you're body just has to fight it off on it's own.

I came home, knew that I had to study for my final the next morning, but my body couldn't. I believe I slept from 11:00 a.m. until 7:oo p.m. I woke up with un-real pain throughout my entire body and I was unable to eat anything, my goal from that point on was to eat enough cheerios (the only the my stomach could tolerate) so that I could take medicine. I went to bed that night, very scared about getting up the next morning at 6:00 a.m. for my final. I didn't sleep at all that night, my mind was so awake, so full of fear, full of sin, full of doubt and I was truly scared. I knew that if I didn't make it to my final, I would be kicked out of the nursing program at school. Things are very strict there, it's hard to get into the program, but it's easy to get out. :-) I got out of bed at 5:30 a.m. and went downstairs and walked around crying out to my Savior for help and strength. My body just couldn't do it. I had enough strength to shower, but by the time I got back upstairs I collapsed on my bed and fell back asleep.

Friends, this next part blows me away. It shows me how mighty my Savior is, that he can even work in the lives of those that are not saved. My teacher showed me such mercy that day. I was praying so hard that God would give my teacher the grace to show me mercy, and He truly answered my prayers. My teacher called me later that day after the final was over, and her first words were "Brenna, I've heard you're not feeling good, how are you doing?" And then without questioning me, or even asking for a doctor's note proving that I was sick, she simply wanted to know when I could come in to take my final. She was even willing to let me rest and get better, and come in after Memorial Day. Not only did she spare me from being kicked out, but she also did not penalize me (5% off for every test missed).

So now at this point, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders, but my heart was so sad that I couldn't attend the New Attitude Conference with my college group from church. For those of you that have never heard of or experienced New Attitude, there's only a few words that can sum it up = it's life changing. I base my whole year around it, I had the attitude of "get through school and then you get to go to New Attitude and be refreshed in the Lord, and draw closer to His Spirit". I had already anticipated what the Lord was going to do in my heart during that weekend, and I was so excited to be in fellowship with 3,000 other believers, to experience such moving worship, and to come away more in love with my Savior. The thing is, the Lord doesn't need a conference to work in my life.

Saturday I slept most the day. Sunday, I was still to sick to attend church, though I craved so strongly to go. The Lord prompted me to spend some time in worship and prayer. So, I put in the "Valley of Vision" CD, pulled up a chair, closed my eyes and sang to my Savior. At that moment I was imagining myself at New Attitude, singing my heart out. Tears heavily ran down my cheeks, because at that moment the Lord was doing such amazing work in my heart. I don't believe I've ever experienced such worship before, in gave me a taste of what it will be like to sing my Savior in heaven someday. All of my doubts, all of my feelings of insignificance, my lack of confidence in the Lord; they were washed away by my Savior's almighty hand. The Lord spoke to me very strongly, He said "Brenna, I'm making you weak, even weak in your physical body, so that you know that you are my beloved child. You're confidence belongs no where else but in me. I pursued you in your sin, what love is this? This love is for my beloved children"

Oh how the Lord restored my soul during that time. He gave me such joy! Words can not express what the Lord has done in my heart through this circumstance. While, I was sick, my Mom kept reminding me that such trials make us stronger. I didn't agree with her at the moment, but now I have been able to thank the Lord for what He did in my life. My faith has been made stronger and my confidence in the Lord much greater.

Thank you Andrea for the verse you encouraged me with at care group I John 3: 1-3, and thank you so much for praying with me on the phone. I am thankful for you!

Thank you Aunt Sara for your encouraging e-mail and for sharing your great thoughts based off of Psalms 62:7

THANK YOU Mom for helping me while I was sick, not only helping me to get better in my physical body, but thank you for being concerned about my heart and for giving me hope. You are such an example of God's love and I am so thankful that you are my mother

Thank you to my care group from church for praying for me last weekend while you were in New Attitude. Thank you also for the wonderful card, it brought a huge smile to my face. :-)

Most importantly, thank you Jesus for being my Savior and for pursuing me in my Sin. Thank you for trials and thank you for this last cirumstance and for bringing about such good in it.

Thanks for sticking with me and reading this long post, I hope you were encouraged!
Oh and as an update, I do not have mono! AND my final went really well yesterday! Praise God!

First Semester = done

Well, as of yesterday morning, 9:15 a.m. I had finished my last final, therefore completing my first semester of nursing school! It's a good feeling my friends!

Here's my expression when I got home:

A Burden Upon My Shoulders

Do you ever get the unpleasant yet familiar feeling that something just isn't right in your life? And then once you've realized that something isn't right, you rack your brain tediously to try and figure out what's wrong. And then once you've figured out what it is that has caused the "unpleasant yet familiar feeling", you sit there weighed down by the burden that you've unknowingly been carrying upon your shoulders for who knows how long.

I sit here, just having gone through this exact sequence, and desperate for the Lord's help.

My Burden - struggling with confidence and self-worth (in the eyes of others and God's)
The Root - disatisfaction with how God made me & failing to realize God's goodness in my life
The Causes - comparing myself to others, going to a secular school where it's easy to be convinced that i'm not good enough, not viewing myself as valuable as a single
My Solution - running to my Savior and daily surrendering my heart to him while laying my burden's at his feet.

I can't remember a day going by where I haven't, in some form, compared myself to others, wishing I had what they had, or dwelled upon my imperfections. I'm not living in the light of my Savior's amazing grace and love that He has shared with me. The fact alone that He sought me in my sin, should be enough confidence for me, but I am a sinner and often these truths are far from sight.

I am so excited for New Attitude this weekend! I'm anticipating great things from this conference, and already expecting the Lord to meet me, and asking that He would reveal more of my sin to me so that I can that much more easily - say no to my sin and turn from it, leaving my burden where it belongs, at the feet of Jesus, and not on my shoulders.

Psalms 55: 22 - cast your burden on the Lord, and HE WILL SUSTAIN YOU!

Mother's Day

What is a mother? Most dictionaries would define the term "mother" as "a female parent" or "a term of address for a female parent or a woman as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent." These terms just don't seem to fit, atleast in my perspective. Yes, my mom is my authority, but it doesn't stop there. All of these definitions for the word mother, seem so one-dimensional, boring, lacking appeal, glamour and charisma. Where is the honor? My best assumption is that whoever came up with such definitions for the word "mother", has never experienced such a relationship with their mother as I have.

Here's my best attempt to honor you MOM!

Mom, if I could find one word to describe you, it'd come from a mix of all of these words: Godly, caring, wise, loving, generous, beautiful, spiritual, GOSPEL-CENTERED, unselfish and commited.
What are you commited to? God, your husband, your family, raising your daughter's in light of the Gospel and training us in the way we should go.
Mom, there have been countless evidences of grace in your life! Your desire to grow, pursue Godly fellowship and to keep the Gospel center, has been such an influence in my life. I know I do not take enough time to thank you for your example, but I honestly don't believe I would be the person I am today without your Godly example that you live out daily. Your influence on me has been invaluable.

Counting Confrontation as a BLESSING

I find it amazing how God knows every detail of my life. He knows my sin even before I realize it. He knows my desires, He knows my needs, He knows my temptations. I cannot hide anything from Him. I also find it amazing at how God used a wide variety of people this weekend, to help me realize where I am currently be tempted. Of all people God would use to reveal my sin, He chose one of my younger sisters this time. During the confrontation I was everything but humble. Receiving observations from anyone is never EASY, but it was especially hard hearing it from someone that was younger than me. I was determined to stand firm, but God's plan wasn't for me to remain stubborn and proud on the issue for very long. As a matter of fact, it only lasted 5 minutes while I shed a few tears and ironed my clothes for church the next morning. By God's grace he prompted me to head upstairs and thank my sister for her insightful observations that she had shared with me.

To continue this work in my heart, my pastor from church spoke from Hebrews 2:14-18 this morning. In light summary, the passage revolved around the fact that since "he became like us and suffering for us, He is to be fully relied on by us." He as in Jesus Christ. I am to rely on Jesus for death, judgement and for my temptations. In closing the passage, two questions were asked:

1. What's the most common temptation for you right now?
2. Are you going boldly to your high priest for help?"

And then it hit me that God knew exactly what He was doing this weekend. I began to weep not only because I felt foolish for being blind to my ongoing temptation, but also because I am so thankful for this undeserving love that God has choosen to let me receive. I never thought that I'd be able to count confrontation as a blessing.

As the service wrapped up, I began to pray that my pastor would feel prompted to have the care group leaders stay behind for a while and make themselves available for those in the congregation that needed prayer for certain temptations they were struggling with. And God did hear my prayers. (Thank you Andrea for praying with me). It's blows me away at how fast and readily God is to hear and answer our prayers, He wants to, but we as His children lack faith to come to him and we lack faith to expect that He will answer us.

Well, another week is over, I've learned yet another lesson, another thing about myself, and most importantly I've learned a lot about my Savior. Have a blessed week my dear friends!

A small yet large lesson learned

I learned something today, and no my clinical instructors did not aid me in this learning. God did. And I know for those of you that will read this, my moment of revelation may be a "duh" one for you, but I still must share.

These past four weeks of clinicals have consumed me. My thoughts, my sleep, my actions. Literally, I am eating, sleeping and breathing nursing. My mom warned me of this beforehand. I feel so completely wrapped up in it, as if the rest of my life is a blur. While studying, my worries distract me and I start dwelling on the future, all the "what if's" etc. What if I don't succeed, what if I don't make it to graduation. What if I can't even perform my nursing skills completely and successfully. God spoke to me in a very powerful way this evening. He said, "my child, why do you fret, why do you worry, have I not been faithful? You worry so much and over such a small circumstance compared to the grand scheme of everything. Your abilities as a nurse do not change your relationship with me. The world will pass, but my love will not."

I stand so humbled. I was forgetting that God is sovereign, and ulitmately in control over every aspect of my life. Yes, I need to be focused and diligent while studying nursing, but I can't loose site of the end goal and what matters most - my relationship with God and spending eternity with Him.

Proverbs 3:5 (a favorite of mine)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths

Lamentations 3:22-23
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an ends; they are new every morning, great is your faithfulness.

Can my brain take anymore?

It's week #4 and i'm still pushing along.

Quick update for the week

1. I start my clinical's this week! 7 am-1pm Wednesday/Thursday for the rest of this semester. Please pray that "everything" would go smoothly. My relationship with my patients, my ability to perform the tasks given to me. Pray tha tI would be able to think clearly and keep up with the pace.

2. I've felt "under the weather" for the past week, probably because i'm not sleeping enough. And since I have to be up at 5:00 am starting Wednesday, I know the likelihood of me catching up on sleep or getting enough is unlikely, since the workload won't be any less (homework and so forth)

3. I LOVE NURSING

4. I AM NERVOUS (haha)

5. I LOVE MY FAMILY (thank you for your support)

6. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I LOVE MY GOD. (thank you Jesus for all of your support, comfort and guidance)

well, back to work. Pharmacology is calling my name! :-)

So far, so good

I'm on my third week of school, and loving every minute. And no, mom isn't behind me telling me to say that! :-)

I've also come to realize that God has more in mind for me (during nursing school) than just graduating and receiving my degrees.

1. He wants to give me a "one-life", and if my only accomplishment out of nursing school would be to reach one non-believer and by His grace, they turn to Him, then my time has been well spent.

2. He wants to grow me in my faith as well.

On a different note though, I had an absolutely amazing birthday, thanks to everyone who made it special! I feel so richly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. When I was younger, I used to evaluate my birthdays on a scale from 1-10, 1 being I had an awful birthday, didn't receive the gifts I wanted etc, 5 lying somewhere in the middle, and 10 being it went perfectly, received exactly what I wanted, everyone was focused on me, and so forth. So selfish! My focus was on eternal things, and not God. I failed to realize that my birthday celebration should ultimately glorify the Lord! He was the one who gave me life, and who continues to allow me every wakening breath. He is the one who chose me for eternal life, and by His grace continues to mold me in the likeness of Christ. I celebrated this year, not because I was 21 and could legally drink, or because I received gifts and attention from others, but because my amazing Savior has blessed me this past year, and I know He will continue this coming year. I celebrated because God has helped me in my battle against huge sins over this past year, and grown me fonder for Him, His people and His word. I celebrated, because I was with the most important people during my birthday week, my family and my friends whom God has blessed me with. And that is what made this birthday memorable.

The beginning of the next two years

Wow, I guess it has been a while since i've updated all of you. Where should I begin?

Jack - had an echocardiogram on March 21st, to see the results of his surgery, positive outcome or not. God has been so faithful, Jack's surgery was very successful and he may not need surgery for another 5+ years. He's a very healthy and active boy - loves to eat big boy food. He can sit up, roll around, stand up (with aid of couch etc) and He loves his Baby Einstein videos, especially the monkeys! I speak for myself personally, but I know the rest of my family would agree, we are so thankful to our Lord and Savior for keeping Jack safe, and sheltering him under the comfort of his wings. This circumstance has been faith building for sure and i'm grateful.

As for myself, I started nursing school last Tuesday (April 1st 2008). I had my first exam today, YAY I passed, and somehow managed to get one of the highest scores in my class. It's very fast paced, intense and overwhelming, but it's such an honor to be a part of it! This circumstance/situation (nursing school) is also very faith building. Every night this past week I had such incredible thoughts of doubt, I kept questioning my ability to succeed, even though I spent practically every waking moment studying. I found myself constantly submitting prayers to the Lord, and He (in his awesome nature) responded quickly, and aided me when I needed him most. He kept reminding me that He is for me, He is my God, and I should not fear. Least to say, even in this short amount of time (one week since starting) i've seen growth and God's activity in my life. Praise God!

I turn 21 on Thursday, ahhhh where have the years gone? Usually parents freak out about their "babies growing up", but I think it's more of a shock to me. Its been a good 21 years though, and i'm ready for another 21, I shouldn't get ahead of myself though, take it for today Brenna, take it for today.

Jack's Our Little Trouper

Jack's surgery is OVER and he came home from the children's memorial hospital today! PRAISE GOD! There were some complications, but God resolved them! Amy and Dan say he's back to his normal self, a little pale (which is normal) but just as happy and active. We're praying that this initial surgery is sufficient enough to keep him strong and healthy until he has open heart surgery for the mechanical valve when he is older.

As soon as I heard the news, it felt like I could finally breathe again, all the stress and tears were gone. God has done great this week!

last minute change

Hey Everyone. Just a quick update on Jack and his surgery. Jack's surgery was originally scheduled for March 5th, but it has been bumped up to tomorrow morning (February 27th). Please keep him and all of us in your prayers. I'll send out word, once we find the results. Oh and his surgery is at 8:00 am tomorrow morning (Spokane time) so that will be 10:00 our time.

- Brenna

God is our Refuge

This song has been so much comfort to me this past week:

God is Our Refuge

God is our refuge and God is our strength
An ever present help, in our times of need
We will not fear, though the earth give way
The mountain fall into the sea

The Lord, Almighty is with us
The Lord, Almighty reigns
Within his arms, We will find our Rest
Our God, Our Refuge

Nations are striving, Kindgoms rise and fall
Seated in heaven, He rules over all
Be still and know, that He alone is God
He will be exalted in the earth

The Lord, Almighty is with us
The Lord, Almighty reigns
Within His arms, We will find our rest
Our God, Our Refuge

I was listening to this song yesterday while I was driving, and I started tearing up. I kept wondering why this week has been surprisingly easy. Why God chose to give me such extended grace to deal with the news of jack's heart condition and upcoming surgery (March 5th). I don't even deserve to be in his presence, let alone to experience such love from Him.
It's mind boggling. And yet it is so refreshing to know that my God loves me and that He is sovereignly in control over ever good, bad, rough or easy situation that comes in the way of His children. I'm so encouraged to see how God is actively working in my life and my family's.

I also feel so blessed to be surrounded by the amazing people in my church. THANK you for caring, thank you for praying without ceasing. Thank you for sharing our burdens as if Jack was your own nephew. I feel richly blessed to be a part of this body of Christ, and I pray and trust that God is being glorified through this situation.

So with that said, I'm greatly encouraged and I feel that even within this short amount of time, my faith has grown stronger and my love for Christ has deepened.

More updates to come, love all of you!

Isaiah 43:1-3

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summonsed you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Savior."

updates and clarifications

My sister just informed me of some things that might better help clarify John's situation.

1. Jack was born with the murmer, and it never really went away. It was there all along, but babies are antsy little people and it can thus be hard to get a good heart beat with a stethescope.

2. It is Jack's aortic valve that is affected, not the tricuspid. So what he has is called aortic stenosis. A normal aortic valve has 3 slits to allow it to open fully. Jack only has 1 1/2, so the hole is too small.

Faithfully Leaning

I know I already have two blogs, but I felt it to be important to dedicate one to myself so that I can share struggles, or ways that i'm encouraged in life, or just simple updates. I named my blog "faithfully leaning" because I've come to realize through easy and rough times, that I need to be faithfully leaning on my Savior for comfort, wisdom, direction and everything else. So here it goes.

My nephew (john) was born with a heart murmur (september 12th 2007). It closed up, but recently re-opened. Today he went in to the doctors today for an ecocardiogram and they discovered that he also has a heart defect called "tricuspidvalvesynosis" . It's complicated, but basically his tricuspid valve (which pushes blood from the ventricle out into the bloodstream), is defected so his ventricle is enlarged and working way too hard. He's having a somewhat simple surgery in a couple weeks, where the doctor will thread a cathiter into his heart and try to open the valve if this is not succesful he'll immediately be put on heart and lung support and the doctors will have to perform open heart surgery. That's just now. When he grows up, he'll have to have open heart surgery again so that the doctors can put in a mechanical valve. He'll be on blood thinners for the rest of his life and most likely never be able to play sports. Because when someone is on blood thinners, any impact (such that sports could cause) would result in hemoragging.

For those of you that read this:
a) please pray that God would perform a miracle. I know He can, if it is His will. We need an act of God here.

b) Pray for comfort among Amy and Dan (my sister and brother in law). That God would comfort them and give them peace of mind. Also for all of us that we would trust the Lord with little john's life.

c) Financially as well. Even though they have good insurance, we all know insurance doesn't cover everything, and we also know that surgeries like this don't come cheaply. Please pray God would provide.

I know that God is faithful. And I know He is good and that He loves not only john but all of us.