A Mighty Work in my Heart

I've gone back in forth in my head, on whether or not to write this post. But since i'm writting something now, you can gather that I've chosen to go ahead with it.
It's going to be a long post, so I pray that you hang with me and are able to read the whole thing. I write this post, not because I want pity, but because I want the Lord to be glorified through what I'm writing, and I desire for all of you to be encouraged through my circumstance.

Three weeks ago I came down with a common cold, but due to my crazy schedule with nursing school and my lack of sleep, my body was unable to fight it off quickly. So, it's lasted 2 weeks. Week number three, which happened to be finals week, I woke up Thursday morning (May 22nd) dizzy, weak in the knees and unusually exhausted. But it was clinical day, and if you skip clinicals the week of finals, you automatically get 10% knocked of your grade, so I went anyway. It was my day to drive, but I knew there was no way I could get behind a wheel. One of the girl's I carpooled with kindly offered to drive, I slept the 45 minute drive there.

Once we arrived, I knew there was absolutely no way I could work with my patient's for the day, so I explained my situation to our clinical instructor, turned in my patient's care plan and filled out my student evaluation. By God's grace, she showed me much mercy and let me take the day off and as well didn't penalize me for not participating. Since I hadn't driven up on my own I had no way of getting home, so my only resort was to lay in the back of my friend's car for the next 7 hours. I dozed in and out of sleep, was hallucinating, i'm not sure if it occured in my dreams or when I was awake. Finally by 9:00 a.m. I called my mom, she offered to come pick me up and take me over to Delnor Hospital; Geneva Family Practice. My doctor's first hunch was that I had mono. So, I had some blood work done, and then had it sent into the lab to figure out what was wrong.

My heart immediately sank, I knew at that point that the New Attitude Conference was out of the question, but I was more afraid of having mono. Mono can last for months and there's no way to cure it, you're body just has to fight it off on it's own.

I came home, knew that I had to study for my final the next morning, but my body couldn't. I believe I slept from 11:00 a.m. until 7:oo p.m. I woke up with un-real pain throughout my entire body and I was unable to eat anything, my goal from that point on was to eat enough cheerios (the only the my stomach could tolerate) so that I could take medicine. I went to bed that night, very scared about getting up the next morning at 6:00 a.m. for my final. I didn't sleep at all that night, my mind was so awake, so full of fear, full of sin, full of doubt and I was truly scared. I knew that if I didn't make it to my final, I would be kicked out of the nursing program at school. Things are very strict there, it's hard to get into the program, but it's easy to get out. :-) I got out of bed at 5:30 a.m. and went downstairs and walked around crying out to my Savior for help and strength. My body just couldn't do it. I had enough strength to shower, but by the time I got back upstairs I collapsed on my bed and fell back asleep.

Friends, this next part blows me away. It shows me how mighty my Savior is, that he can even work in the lives of those that are not saved. My teacher showed me such mercy that day. I was praying so hard that God would give my teacher the grace to show me mercy, and He truly answered my prayers. My teacher called me later that day after the final was over, and her first words were "Brenna, I've heard you're not feeling good, how are you doing?" And then without questioning me, or even asking for a doctor's note proving that I was sick, she simply wanted to know when I could come in to take my final. She was even willing to let me rest and get better, and come in after Memorial Day. Not only did she spare me from being kicked out, but she also did not penalize me (5% off for every test missed).

So now at this point, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders, but my heart was so sad that I couldn't attend the New Attitude Conference with my college group from church. For those of you that have never heard of or experienced New Attitude, there's only a few words that can sum it up = it's life changing. I base my whole year around it, I had the attitude of "get through school and then you get to go to New Attitude and be refreshed in the Lord, and draw closer to His Spirit". I had already anticipated what the Lord was going to do in my heart during that weekend, and I was so excited to be in fellowship with 3,000 other believers, to experience such moving worship, and to come away more in love with my Savior. The thing is, the Lord doesn't need a conference to work in my life.

Saturday I slept most the day. Sunday, I was still to sick to attend church, though I craved so strongly to go. The Lord prompted me to spend some time in worship and prayer. So, I put in the "Valley of Vision" CD, pulled up a chair, closed my eyes and sang to my Savior. At that moment I was imagining myself at New Attitude, singing my heart out. Tears heavily ran down my cheeks, because at that moment the Lord was doing such amazing work in my heart. I don't believe I've ever experienced such worship before, in gave me a taste of what it will be like to sing my Savior in heaven someday. All of my doubts, all of my feelings of insignificance, my lack of confidence in the Lord; they were washed away by my Savior's almighty hand. The Lord spoke to me very strongly, He said "Brenna, I'm making you weak, even weak in your physical body, so that you know that you are my beloved child. You're confidence belongs no where else but in me. I pursued you in your sin, what love is this? This love is for my beloved children"

Oh how the Lord restored my soul during that time. He gave me such joy! Words can not express what the Lord has done in my heart through this circumstance. While, I was sick, my Mom kept reminding me that such trials make us stronger. I didn't agree with her at the moment, but now I have been able to thank the Lord for what He did in my life. My faith has been made stronger and my confidence in the Lord much greater.

Thank you Andrea for the verse you encouraged me with at care group I John 3: 1-3, and thank you so much for praying with me on the phone. I am thankful for you!

Thank you Aunt Sara for your encouraging e-mail and for sharing your great thoughts based off of Psalms 62:7

THANK YOU Mom for helping me while I was sick, not only helping me to get better in my physical body, but thank you for being concerned about my heart and for giving me hope. You are such an example of God's love and I am so thankful that you are my mother

Thank you to my care group from church for praying for me last weekend while you were in New Attitude. Thank you also for the wonderful card, it brought a huge smile to my face. :-)

Most importantly, thank you Jesus for being my Savior and for pursuing me in my Sin. Thank you for trials and thank you for this last cirumstance and for bringing about such good in it.

Thanks for sticking with me and reading this long post, I hope you were encouraged!
Oh and as an update, I do not have mono! AND my final went really well yesterday! Praise God!

First Semester = done

Well, as of yesterday morning, 9:15 a.m. I had finished my last final, therefore completing my first semester of nursing school! It's a good feeling my friends!

Here's my expression when I got home:

A Burden Upon My Shoulders

Do you ever get the unpleasant yet familiar feeling that something just isn't right in your life? And then once you've realized that something isn't right, you rack your brain tediously to try and figure out what's wrong. And then once you've figured out what it is that has caused the "unpleasant yet familiar feeling", you sit there weighed down by the burden that you've unknowingly been carrying upon your shoulders for who knows how long.

I sit here, just having gone through this exact sequence, and desperate for the Lord's help.

My Burden - struggling with confidence and self-worth (in the eyes of others and God's)
The Root - disatisfaction with how God made me & failing to realize God's goodness in my life
The Causes - comparing myself to others, going to a secular school where it's easy to be convinced that i'm not good enough, not viewing myself as valuable as a single
My Solution - running to my Savior and daily surrendering my heart to him while laying my burden's at his feet.

I can't remember a day going by where I haven't, in some form, compared myself to others, wishing I had what they had, or dwelled upon my imperfections. I'm not living in the light of my Savior's amazing grace and love that He has shared with me. The fact alone that He sought me in my sin, should be enough confidence for me, but I am a sinner and often these truths are far from sight.

I am so excited for New Attitude this weekend! I'm anticipating great things from this conference, and already expecting the Lord to meet me, and asking that He would reveal more of my sin to me so that I can that much more easily - say no to my sin and turn from it, leaving my burden where it belongs, at the feet of Jesus, and not on my shoulders.

Psalms 55: 22 - cast your burden on the Lord, and HE WILL SUSTAIN YOU!

Mother's Day

What is a mother? Most dictionaries would define the term "mother" as "a female parent" or "a term of address for a female parent or a woman as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent." These terms just don't seem to fit, atleast in my perspective. Yes, my mom is my authority, but it doesn't stop there. All of these definitions for the word mother, seem so one-dimensional, boring, lacking appeal, glamour and charisma. Where is the honor? My best assumption is that whoever came up with such definitions for the word "mother", has never experienced such a relationship with their mother as I have.

Here's my best attempt to honor you MOM!

Mom, if I could find one word to describe you, it'd come from a mix of all of these words: Godly, caring, wise, loving, generous, beautiful, spiritual, GOSPEL-CENTERED, unselfish and commited.
What are you commited to? God, your husband, your family, raising your daughter's in light of the Gospel and training us in the way we should go.
Mom, there have been countless evidences of grace in your life! Your desire to grow, pursue Godly fellowship and to keep the Gospel center, has been such an influence in my life. I know I do not take enough time to thank you for your example, but I honestly don't believe I would be the person I am today without your Godly example that you live out daily. Your influence on me has been invaluable.

Counting Confrontation as a BLESSING

I find it amazing how God knows every detail of my life. He knows my sin even before I realize it. He knows my desires, He knows my needs, He knows my temptations. I cannot hide anything from Him. I also find it amazing at how God used a wide variety of people this weekend, to help me realize where I am currently be tempted. Of all people God would use to reveal my sin, He chose one of my younger sisters this time. During the confrontation I was everything but humble. Receiving observations from anyone is never EASY, but it was especially hard hearing it from someone that was younger than me. I was determined to stand firm, but God's plan wasn't for me to remain stubborn and proud on the issue for very long. As a matter of fact, it only lasted 5 minutes while I shed a few tears and ironed my clothes for church the next morning. By God's grace he prompted me to head upstairs and thank my sister for her insightful observations that she had shared with me.

To continue this work in my heart, my pastor from church spoke from Hebrews 2:14-18 this morning. In light summary, the passage revolved around the fact that since "he became like us and suffering for us, He is to be fully relied on by us." He as in Jesus Christ. I am to rely on Jesus for death, judgement and for my temptations. In closing the passage, two questions were asked:

1. What's the most common temptation for you right now?
2. Are you going boldly to your high priest for help?"

And then it hit me that God knew exactly what He was doing this weekend. I began to weep not only because I felt foolish for being blind to my ongoing temptation, but also because I am so thankful for this undeserving love that God has choosen to let me receive. I never thought that I'd be able to count confrontation as a blessing.

As the service wrapped up, I began to pray that my pastor would feel prompted to have the care group leaders stay behind for a while and make themselves available for those in the congregation that needed prayer for certain temptations they were struggling with. And God did hear my prayers. (Thank you Andrea for praying with me). It's blows me away at how fast and readily God is to hear and answer our prayers, He wants to, but we as His children lack faith to come to him and we lack faith to expect that He will answer us.

Well, another week is over, I've learned yet another lesson, another thing about myself, and most importantly I've learned a lot about my Savior. Have a blessed week my dear friends!